No Lessons Learned.

Egungun be careful, na express you de go.

My mum always says that those that worship idols look like idols, and I believe it like mad.

This is not a shade at anybody’s religious preferences or cultural practice, but the moment I saw Folu, I just knew that he was not a human being. I knew he was not a deity, either, because he looked too dumb to be one. For some reason, he reminds me of Sango even though I’ve never seen Sango before. And I wasn't even wrong, because this boy was a dragon—he used to breathe fire and smoke from his mouth and his nose. If you know, you know.

Folu was my classmate in secondary school. He was not good at anything—well, except for being a nuisance in class, threatening anybody that crossed his path, and yes, breathing fire. Aside from this, he was the typical good-for-nothing person, successfully failing every subject in class, term in and out. But I guess I was the only person that thought there was nothing useful, because I remember that he was friends with almost everyone in class. In fact, two girls even fought over him, back then. I wondered if they had poor taste in life or if they were just plain stupid. Well, I forgave one of them when I heard she takes action bitters for fun and also chews on unwashed bitter-leaves because she thinks it would help her to build resilience. I mean, if she could subject her taste buds to such peril, how much more her mental and emotional health? The weird part? Folu left both of them for another girl in the class, but this girl had no interest in him and that was where the problem started from.

Folu went to meet this very fine girl to toast her—he had said she was as fine as “today’s bread.” I was seated behind them, cringing at his poor pick up lines while pretending to read Nora Roberts’ Angels Fall. While I listened to his poor attempt to toast the “today’s bread,” I wondered how he talked those other girls into dating him and immediately decided that he was using voodoo on them. He was definitely jazz to get them dancing to his tune. My thoughts were immediately interrupted by the girl’s response to him—she said he should first of all treat his body odour and work on his IQ before talking to a high classed babe like herself. She also added that he should learn to brush his teeth before asking for breakfast—he had a terrible mouth odour. Well, it seemed like the bread wanted to be eaten with butter and not placed in a toaster. Poor Folu got angry immediately, told her he would deal with her, and boy, he did.

Folu used to wear egungun, and whenever someone crossed his path, he would use the egungun to flog bastard and nonsense out of the person. I don’t know if he flogged anyone in our class directly, but I do know he flogged the physics teacher because the man stole his babe. That one kuku used to carry women a little too much, so I didn’t feel bad for him. Well, Today’s bread received the beating of her life, that day. I mean, she isn’t the bread of life, but her body was broken—not for me, sha. The beating was so bad that she didn’t come to school for a week. Nobody seemed to care about her absence—well, except for me because I knew that her absence from school had something to do with Folu, and I confirmed it when I heard him bragging about it to his fellow nuisances. I immediately decided to take the matter up. I nor know who send me that one, sha.

I foolishly went to confront the boy. For someone who was bullied throughout secondary school, that was a very brave thing to do. Long story short, Folu said he was going to deal with me. I took that statement as a useless capping because, prior to when I confronted him, I saw a movie where Patience Ozokwor attacked a masquerade that tried to bully her and tore the costume. So I decided I was going to recreate, as per anyi n’eme TikTok challenge. It didn’t even take long before Folu really stopped me on the road with his minions, holding a long cane in his hand. Weirdly, I wasn’t scared because my Daddy taught me in our morning devotion that the bible said, greater is He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world, and also, whatsoever is born of God overcomes the world. I strongly believed that it was Folu that needed saving from me.

Oh well, God really saved him from me, because just as we were about to take the battle from chochocho to the part where I would show workings, one of his fellow nuisances who knew my Dad rushed to carry me away from there. He confronted Folu and asked him if he wanted to die untimely—because my Daddy would have really unalived that boy. Folu was shocked when he heard who my Dad was and immediately scampered away with his minions. Then the guy that saved him walked me home because he was scared that Folu would come back for me.

I was so livid because I felt like he spoiled my shine, but at least I got some goddamn respect on my name. As for Folu, well, I still wonder why the power he claims to have isn’t powerful enough to make him intelligent. Maybe it’s because he is not intelligent enough to utilize his powers. Maybe it’s because he is probably not loved at home. Maybe it is because of what he is worshiping… I mean, they have hands, legs, eyes and mouths, but cannot use it.

Does it make sense why Folu has a brain which he doesn’t use?

My Mummy was right.

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